Everybody Poops gets an Israeli make-over

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Japanese author Taro Gomi’s beloved children’s book, Everyone Poops, will soon be available in Hebrew. The book candidly and delightfully presents defecation as a natural bodily function performed by virtually every sentient life form on our shared planet. In Everyone Poops, eliminating waste is unselfconscious, essential and nothing to be ashamed of. From North America to the Pacific Rim, Gomi’s charming illustrations and simple text have enabled parents and children alike to comfortably explore life’s elemental processes. The Hebrew translation of Everyone Poops was prepared under the auspices of the Adelson Institute for Strategic Studies at the Shalem Center in Jerusalem. According to AISS spokesperson and noted PTSD sufferer Natan Sharansky, a “handful of revisions” were made to Gomi’s work, to remove the “new anti-semitism” implicit in its contents. Circus Israel obtained an early review copy from Sharansky by nodding gravely at everything he said. The full text of the book appears below.

Everyone poops.
Jews poop.
Their poop is Chosen.

Israeli Jews poop best of all.
Their poop nourishes the desert and makes it bloom.
Their poop has natural growth
and its own special wall
to keep other poop away.

Hebrews pooped in Jerusalem thousands of years ago,
so nobody else should poop in Jerusalem today.
Armenians should send their poop to Armenia.
Catholics should poop in the Vatican.
Muslims over 50 can poop in a tiny part of old Jerusalem,
then disappear forever.

Arabs poop.
On other people’s land.
Israel makes them stop and wait
all day long
just to check their poop.
Sometimes Palestinians won’t poop at all,
so the world will feel sorry for them.
In Gaza, the IDF pooped on their floors
for security reasons.
In Hebron, the settlers dump poop on their homes
for security reasons.
Sometimes the Palestinians get so mad
their poop explodes.
That poop comes from Iran.

Richard Goldstone talked poop about Israel.
His report is perverted bullpoop.
Israel’s military poop is the most moral military poop in the world.
Here’s a syllogism about Richard Goldstone and poop:
Richard Goldstone poops.
Anti-semites poop.
Ergo, Richard Goldstone is an anti-semite.

Europeans poop.
It’s all they do.
Americans poop.
They show it to everybody,
with a big proud smile.
The Hindus in India poop
and they set it on fire.
Canadians just hold their poop inside.

Everyone eats.
So everyone poops.
The Europeans and the Americans
and the Indians and the Canadians
all like the flavor
of Israel’s poop.

Text and images ©2024 Antony Loewenstein. All rights reserved.

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